Living in Lunacy

Since I stopped working on In Living Color a few years ago, every writing project I've started, with the exception of fanfic projects, has been motivated with the idea of producing something I can publish. Something that will "jump-start" my career. For a number of reasons I think I've been so fixated on my "future as a writer" that at some point I stopped having fun and eventually fell out of love with the process. Especially lately I've been pushing myself so hard not just to write, but to write something meaningful. I'd like to change the world with my writing someday, as cliche and idealistic as it sounds.

After the third (fourth? fifth?) failure of the project I've been working at off and on since I was seventeen, I started feeling pretty lost. I still do, in fact. I'm not really sure what I'm doing, and I've lost a measure of faith in myself and my future. I don't feel cut out to be a writer but I have no clue what else I'd really do.

Despite all of that, the urge to write popped up again, so I chose the most innocuous project I could. While I feel rusty and occasionally get frustrated, I'm enjoying re-writing this fanfic. And, in working on it, I've come to a decision.

When I finish this fic, and possibly another that I started months ago, I might just give my big original project another shot. With one major difference. This time I won't do it for my "career." I won't do it for validation from some kind of audience. For once, I'm just going to do it for myself. I'm going to wipe the slate clean, rebuild it, re-write it, and produce something that I can read and enjoy, even years later when I need something to smile about.

After all these failures I honestly thought the project was dead, but my thoughts keep returning to it. I think it's because I love the characters so much. So I'm going to try and use them to rediscover my love of writing and the fun I used to have with it.

(I really hope it works, too, 'cause wtf else am I'm going to do with my life? Teach grammar to bratty, semi-literate teens?)